The Prose And Cons Of Living
by LunaticEclipsed
Summary: Pinkie Pie battles her options and life with her fear of falling apart.


Pinkie stood at a loss again. It was such a familiar feeling. It used to completely crumble her, to make her unable to function. But now it simply made two lone tears flow out of her dead eyes. Looking at the words Rainbow Dash sent to her, Pinkie tried to decipher it further and understand.

She thought Rainbow Dash didn't want her to have Twilight as a friend anymore, because Rainbow Dash at first had said that if Pinkie was ever seen with Twilight, she would treat both of them as if they didn't exist. Pinkie was alright with not being acknowledged as a person who exists by her own girlfriend if it meant standing by her friend's side and not leaving her. But Rainbow called Pinkie out on that. So Pinkie Pie decided to terminate the friendship.

"We can't talk online anymore, Twi". Pinkie sent, "Rainbow's not okay with that".

Twilight had long known about Rainbow's negative feelings toward her and it didn't come as much of a surprise. Nonetheless, Pinkie felt really bad about doing so and explained everything to Twilight. In the end, it was all alright when Twilight knew the crossroads Pinkie was at and understood the choice she was making. Twilight knew that Pinkie loved Rainbow more than anything.

"I'm so sorry, it's all MY fault!" Pinkie wailed, throwing her hands up in the air.

"Don't worry, Pinkie it's not your fault." Twilight assured.

But Pinkie did not want to feel assured. She wanted the world to blame everything on her. That way, no one else would be hurt because they could all make her the reason for their sadness. That's what Pinkie wants – to make every pony happy. And she'd do anything to make that happen.

"I'm not talking to Twilight anymore. I told her and she understands." Pinkie told Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow's heart sped and turned to face Pinkie with a gaze that threatened to darken. "What do you_ mean _'she understands'?"

Pinkie told her the truth about what she told Twilight but it didn't pacify Rainbow. In fact, it did quite the opposite.

A string of mean and hurtful things escaped from Rainbow's mouth and as good as physically hurt Pinkie. But it wasn't the first time and Pinkie was stronger this time. She tried to defend herself against accusations of making the termination of the friendship Rainbow's fault. Unsurprisingly, Rainbow didn't buy it one bit and told Pinkie to leave, ending the conversation by saying how much Pinkie has manipulated the situation to blame it on Rainbow, and how Pinkie has always been a reputation ruiner.

But Pinkie never wanted to do any of those things. If only she was better at understanding, if only she could stop assuming things, if only she could make people understand better. If only.

Pinkie headed to Sugarcube Corner, where she found the place to be empty. It was perfect as it was exactly the solace Pinkie needed. She took a knife from the drawer that was used for cutting cupcakes and cakes and sweets and puffs and other stuff, and pressed it into her finger to test it. Not a drop of blood oozed out. The knife didn't even create as much as a dent. What else could she have expected from a knife used in a bakery? Rainbow Dash wouldn't want her to cut anyway so she just went upstairs to her room. Tears started to flow from the sad, gloomy eyes that contrasted the colour of her bright pink coat. But as if on cue, the bright pink was drained and now the gloominess matched the dullness of her coat.

Maybe she should just die. Pinkie, not for the first time, started having thoughts of suicide. These thoughts were stopped by Rainbow for a long time because of her support but it just went downhill from the arguments they had. And yet, Pinkie knew it was her fault for the arguments. She knew she shouldn't have lied about self-harming just to not worry or make Rainbow Dash sad. She did it anyway. She knew she shouldn't have said those mean things she could never have really meant. She did it anyway. But Pinkie was determined to change. To be, in Rainbow's words, 'the girl I fell for'. Because Pinkie's changed much since then and Pinkie realized it. So Pinkie Pie decided to change and be who she was proud of calling herself again.

But this time, she didn't lie. She didn't refrain from telling the truth. In fact, she told the parties the brutal honest truth – at least from her perspective. But it was her truth and she did not want to lie to herself. Not after she promised herself she would change.

So often – you could even say almost every day – Pinkie would find a reason to go, 'If I were dead, I would not have to experience this'. So she pushed open the window and thought about jumping when she realized she wouldn't die from jumping two levels down. She also remembered the reason she wasn't dead yet. It was because of Rainbow Dash. Because so often (less often now though), Rainbow Dash would give Pinkie a reason to go: 'If I were dead, I would not have the chance to experience this'.

But what could Pinkie even do? She loves Rainbow and they are together. She asked Rainbow if her leaving would make Rainbow feel better but Rainbow said it wouldn't. That if she wanted to let go of Pinkie, why would she put the effort into arguing? So Pinkie stayed. Pinkie's friends think that Rainbow might not be that healthy for her, but Pinkie knows that to a certain extent, Rainbow is. Rainbow helps to keep her in check. For example, when Rainbow pointed out to her that she's been changing a lot, Pinkie understood that and changed back. At then, Pinkie realized that she used to be able to say she was proud of exactly the way she was. But at that point, she wasn't able to. Now, Pinkie's starting to feel that again. Pinkie's righteousness, her stubborn righteousness was back. But another thing was back. And as much as Pinkie tried not to think about it, it was. Pinkie was risking another's reputation. Again. In every relationship Pinkie's been in, she's caused her partner to feel like Pinkie was a.. reputation ruiner. It wasn't her fault. Pinkie has never cared for her own reputation. She rarely has someone close enough to her to make the things she does directly affect their reputation. Pinkie had a reputation of not caring about her reputation, and that's how she'd like to keep it.

There's absolutely nothing Pinkie can do now, except face the music and accept what comes. She turned to her pen and paper and knows that she can pen down her feelings. That if anything, writing was something that never went wrong for her. Not that she was a brilliant writer, but that the words didn't scold her for messing up, didn't twist her words and didn't hurt her. And so she writes to no one in particular, her deepest feelings and thoughts.


End file.
